Winter Change

Sleepless nights are not common for me anymore, but they still come in late autum and through the winter. It is when the old pass on in mass; when any change is so strongly vivid to me and moves within me; through me. I am more aware during this time of my gains and losses then in any other season. I think it is that nature stills and sleeps; despite my communal serperation from the land and geographical seperation from the signs and cycles I knew best, I can still feel the slow flow of natural reality outside of this human fanticy.
From a culture; upbrining; understanding that all are family; welcome; loved because all exist; all are flawed; all fail; from a point where doing your best is never good enough but always expected; to this community where none embrace you nor alow themselves to be embraced; where you do not fall out of grace or favor, but must earn each foothold one laborous moment after another. I am forever reminded how much I do not belong here; There is nowhere to escape to; the lands are overrun; the people are dead or moved on; This is home now; what home I can make of it.
More family is ill; The Saints on the mantle en la Día de los Muertos is growing ever larger; My children are knowing more people from life story whom they will never be blessed to know in life. Growing up my grand parents and thier friends where all my grand parents; as where many of the elders of The Church Of God Of Prophecy; my mother and many of her friends where my Big Brothers and Sisters (though roudy and unruly ones); the more mature of my mother's social circle where my Aunts and Uncles as where my grand parents' other children. Tio Sonny and Tio Marcus where known to me from life story; though they both lived and I did visit with them from time to time over the years of my youth; I could never bridge the gap between the living person and the life of that person as I understood them through story.
Both versions of the person where wonderful, interesting characters; just, to me, so different.
The same was true of nearly everyone I know or have known. Even my grandmother; my welita Ignacia; who was the main story teller in my life; who shared with me the pictures and stories of herself; She never to me seemed to be the same person in life as in her life stories. Even as I grew to know her through life, she was always a different person; a growing; changing; developing person. I'm not sure death can stop that kind of dynamic. I am sure their is nothing unique in my experience; it doesn't detract form its uniqueness too me as an experience, but it isn't unique to humanity. Now I am an adult stugling to embody what was best in all my elders within the life stories where they where at their best. I am thankful to have so many still with me, but we don't share life stories as much. I think I can fix that though I'm not sure how to deligate the time needed. Perhaps on these sleep deprived nights when past and present life stories mix in my minds eye so vividly with hopes and dreams (good and bad) for future chapeters.
Many are not with me in life now, but I will remember their life stories; the ones I have; and share them with my wife and children. Maybe my family at large too have missed out of a few life stories and have a few to share.
I remember those who are absent from the body, but present with GOD and through him with me and I am blessed;
Welita Ignacia my story teller and family tie. She ... Awe, to begin will take some time.
Great-Grand Mother M.J. (GGMJ) to me throughout my life kept me with story through letter about life, history, and family. We met once when I was only a year old, but I dreamt often of her face; I didn't know it was her so often present in my minds eye until as an adult at her memorial service, my Uncle David presented me with a picture of her.
Tio Victor so tall and his wife Pepe so short; Sister Philomena; Tio Frank;
Brother Bernet; Brian Bernet; Sister VanHorn; Sister Dalke;
I remember those who are embodied souls with GOD and through him with me and I am blessed;
My son Juan David; My daughter; My wife; My brothers; My Tias; My Uncle David ~"I've always been very keen in drama, so ministry just made scence"; My {Aunt}Marcia ~"Dear; I have always enjoyed your letters, but I must tell you; I am no one's Aunt; just Marcia"; My Father-In-Law (O. David); My Mother-In-Law; My mother; My father; Papi (my grand father) Juan Jose; My Tio Juan Jose ~"No one standing over six foot should be so timid"; My current church family of Mt. Zion UCC; My friends from First Unitarian Chuch of Baltimore; Powell The Church Of God Of Prophecy members, pastors, and elders who steps and missteps continue to offer guidance thanks to GOD's glorious humor; My newly met brother in Christ, James, his family, and his church

Well, time to start the day.