Querida says she feels so guilty due to not having the same desire for me as she does for her female partner. She doesn't need to have the same feelings, but she feels she should. She says she feels so guilty for not wanting to share herself with me (after ten years, I never expected to be so easily cast aside) and her partner, but rather wishing to continue as my "friend"/the father of her children/that guy who provided for everyone for a long time and dedicate herself completely to her partner - and of course the welfare of the children, because they exist and she hasn't seen how to disregard them, yet. I get depressed and angry; I lash out and hurt her feelings - not just the guilt reaction, but actually her; I appologize and talk with her and try to work out a resemblence of a plan to continue forward. She sounds copasetic; says we're good she'll just need a while to recover from the bite, but she'll try to remember to show me that she does realize she love's me just not the same way she lovers her partner ... then she leaves for a night and a day and at the last miniute of the evening calls to "talk to the kids because I haven't seen them all day and I'm going to stay with her again tonight" ... I tell her "I am sorry we wont be seeing you today, but it isn't unexpected nor is it a problem. We will see you tomorrow. We love you." She replys, "I'll be back before 7 a.m. - this is good because I need to leave for work at 7 a.m. and it implies she will watch the kids and take care of the house - It's been a really long day. We were supposed to have lunch at 12 but they didn't have it ready until after 2. They also had us start almost a half hour early. Everyone was exhausted." - She and her partner are very good musicians in a band together. Am I supposed to take this as a rationalization for blowing us off the entire day? Then just dropping us a line instead of seeing us? Her partner is always welcome in our house and from her Partner's own accounts she doesn't much care for the company of her present room mates nor does Querida. So obviousely I don't know what is going on, I try to make the best of it and reply; "I hope you two can get some rest. Thanks for sharing about your day. The kids & I enjoyed hearing from you. We had a good day. The kids were up early & took a late nap. We played hard & did a lot of cleanbing & organization. We made tortillas and played with neighbors."
I contacted her for one question about our daughters hair (not so good with preparing her for bed without a mass of knots in the morning and say to her "Thank you, I love you and good night." She replies, "Your welcome. See you in the morning." What the ?)*&(^&#??? She knows I am a very contact/social oriented person, yet chose for - what reason? - to blow me off agian - no I love you too; just I will be there.
Well, obviously that has done a lot of good in my psychie. I'm expecting her to show up tomorrow a.m. and rather then say, hey, I'm sorry, I didn't have a chance to properly visit with you all and I shafted the time, I had already told you would be yours - she did say she was tired so I guess she felt cuddling with me and/or sleeping near me would have just been an agrivation - I must admit; I can't keep my hands of her ... I've always wanted her (body, mind, everything - even the quirks are just part of the package - of course I could have done without the whole serial monogamy thing she's doing right now ... - anyway, I'm expecting to have her tell me she's moving out or something all just from one missed opertunity to say "I love you." and not doing it. I will have to laugh like a loon if I'm right or wrong - either out of anguish or relief. I don't want to loose this woman. Specifically, I do not want her not to be living in a home with me and our kids, sharing intimate (sexual and other) moments with me and helping me improve myself, herself and jointly raise our children. I am very open to sharing her with her partner ( A Split ray intimately - She and I; Her and Her partner & A sphere socially (all of us working together) - We actually already have a weak version of the social sphere developing, but She's chosen do very harshly and in significant steps cut me off intimately (sexually and other) --- the entire time offering me what are beginning to feel like platitudes of how guilty she feels for hurting me ... She felt so guilty today that she never once bothered to send even the shortest message of love or concern to myself or the children. (That probably isn't fair; just true.)
I just can't help but remember Eeek The Cat - a late 80's/early 90's cartoon - "It never hurts to help." Of course, he was always tortured, tormented and/or pursicuted for choosing to help... Why should telling someone you completely and totally want them be any different???!
