Is writing about your life in a journal equivalent to whining about your circumstances which sociology and psychology studies have verified is pointless, futile and of no true value to the individual or the participant (hearer/reader)?
It may well be, in which case, I am one of my own worst pet peeves, a whiner.

I recently stated to my spouse in complete truth that regardless of the motivation behind her choosing to work with me on continuing our now decade long tryst over and over and over again, I am very happy to have had the experience that have come with it even the ones which have not been pleasant.

I do hope to be celebrating another decade in 2018 and again in 2028, though right now I do appear to have some small nuances stacked against me. You see my darling is a lesbian. This in itself is not really an issue, but she has for some time (our entire relationship actually) dealt with the extreme disconnect between my feelings for her and hers for me. They are as you can probably imagine quite different. When at a breaking point some years ago, a bottle of Crown Royal (She drinks, not I) brought us to a steamy reunion which in turn brought us our beloved son. In an act of characteristic self-sacrifice she chose to reunite with me and do the absolute best to raise him. We did and are doing so. In the middle of all of this we continued our intimacy, an act of friendship and latent heterosexuality on her part and extreme emotional, physical, social, and intellectual desire and need on my part. Of course, a few years following his birth and just days before my NSV, we found out we were to have a second child. Our now two year old daughter is quite flamboyant. So life continues on and I begin to feel very needy in just one area. I want my beloved to experience the same wonton hunger I feel for her, if not for me then for someone of good character, personality, etc. Finally, we have found her! And all has worked out as I had hoped it would, with one slight variance. Instead of the realization and understanding of what I experience for my beloved as she experiences it towards and with her partner turning her towards me with a new perspective of appreciation, it has caused her great anguish and turmoil. “How could you feel this for me, know I did not feel this for you, and still want to go on?” Wow, that was a question I didn’t expect and one, I have no idea how to answer. We have all cried tears; we have all talked and continue to do so; we are all working hard to make our relationship work well; we are having a great deal of success, but my querida and I are having a lot of very deep discussions to which I have no answers. Yes, in fact she has often felt that she is a kept woman and I a “sugar-daddy”; my being the sole bread winner and her handling all the needed home and child management. She has often thought that if she could just be completely financially independent she might actually drop me like a hot rock; Almost as often thought she has thought that even if she was completely independent she would want to continue developing our relationship. I must and have admitted I’ve pretty much had the same thoughts about her reactions to the situation, but have always strived to help her be independent in every way. I do after all want a partner not an appendage.
Even though I enjoy dominant positions within my most intimate relationships, I want a willing consensual submissive. It is not for me to defeat or lord over someone, but rather to cherish them enough to do the very best for them and in reciprocation to have them care for me enough to want to serve me in a way befitting us both. This of course has been very pleasurable and productive when it has been played out, but is, not by any means, currently nor ever was a regular part of my existence.
So I have a bit of a hydrogen bond type relationship now developing in which my wife and her partner are strongly matched in mutual desire, friendship, and longing, while my wife and I are weakly matched in mutual friendship, and my own longing and desire for her. We have all joked that perhaps the perfection to this relational sphere would be a willing and loving partner with whom I would share the mutual aspects my wife and her partner share. This would by all accounts certainly reduce the “guilt” factor which so often besets these, my two good friends.
Side Note: GUILT is a self inflicted would which I do not tolerate well.
My greatest fear though is that such a search would be in vain.